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Rubber Feet, Part II

by Grant R. Griffin

Jim S. wrote:
> Grant,
> That [Part 1] has got to be up there as one of the better rants I have 
> ever seen written. Two questions:

Thanks. 🙂

> 1) Did you really dictate it? If so, congratulations to your secretary
>    or please tell us what voice recognition software you used - it's

>    worth it.


> 2) Do you also do Bill from White Plains for Imus?


> Jim

or, in rantese:

Well thanks Jim for the kind compliment I really appreciate it when I get one and I like to thank people because it encourages more compliments though I really don’t want to encourage toadyism or sycophancy because let’s face it the world already has too much of that but to answer your question I really didn’t dictate it I just started typing and I typed as fast as I could and I just barely kept up with all the junk that was spraying out of my head like shrapnel out of a mortar shell and I got into a sortta Zen in-the-moment sortta thing and I just kept on going kindda like I’m going right now except that I have to tell you that I went back through it a few times and punched it up just like I’m gonna punch this one up like I just did which shows you right there the fallacy of the whole nutty Zen in-the-moment-thing not to mention the fact that Casey Stengel the great baseball coach and Zen Master said that nobody could think and hit at the same time so I bet he had to pay a lot for car insurance because he never thought about his driving so he must have hit a lot of people with his car but to answer your question no I don’t do Bill for Imus and I’ve only ever heard Imus that one time when they showed him roasting Bill and Hillary right before their very eyes which was very funny but also kindda morbidly fascinating just like when you drive past a car wreck like the kind Casey Stengel must have caused a lot of but to answer your question I really never get to hear Imus even though I would like to because in the morning I listen to National Public Radio which strangely is populated with people who have speech impediments not that there is anything wrong with that no of course not except that I just don’t think they should be on the radio just like I don’t think ugly people should be on TV though a lot of people seem to like to watch Barbara Walters even though she’s hideous like Don Imus who is at least smart enough to be seen on radio except that now he’s become a big star so they run his radio show on TV which only makes the problem worse because it makes Barbara Walters want to be on radio because she has a speech impediment which got me wondering what would happen if Don Imus and Barbara Walters slipped away somewhere together and mated and then Barbara squeezed out a two-headed calf or something don’t you think a lot of people would be morbidly fascinated with the calf and would stare at it like they stared at Casey Stengel’s car wrecks and maybe even pay a lot of money to see it or at the very least tune in their TV sets to see it even if they have to look at Barbara Walters when she wears that stupid Chairman Mao jacket of hers?

(you people don’t know what it’s like–living inside this head.)